The Really Bad Archimonde Movie
by Deekz
Summary: Archimonde completes the movie he was filming at the credits. Oh, the horror...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am in not way affiliated with Blizzard or Warcraft III. Don't sue me, okay?

**Chapter 1: Getting Things Started**

Archimonde: Curse you, wench! Curse you, curse you! Why'd you bring me here?!?!

Deekz: I r evil. Ph33r!

Archimonde: I can…FINGER OF DEATH YOU, WEAKLING! *Finger of Death*

Deekz: *not dead*

Archimonde: …

Deekz: *takes the eraser and erases Archimonde*

Archimonde: what are you doing?!! *poof*

Deekz: *writes Archimonde back in* PH33R ME, F00!

Archimonde: $^%&^%&(^&$#%^&^&(%$^&$%*$^&*#^&^*(^%&@$^%^&*$^*!!!!! Why did you bring me here anyway, infidel?

Deekz: Because I want to do _fun_ things with you.

Archimonde: … *twitches*

Deekz: I want you to finish what you were doing just a minute ago…

Archimonde: … *twitchfit*

Deekz: I _loved_ how you used that _finger_…it got me "ooooh"ing…

Archimonde: *inches out of the room* O_O;

Deekz: I want you to finish the movie that you were doing in the credits!

Archimonde: *phew* As long as I get to blow up things, like those sheep!

Deekz: Yeah. Okay. Just don't blow up the actors, okay?

Archimonde: Okay. (heh heh heh…I can always find _replacements_…)

Deekz: Yeah, okay, whatever. Just do it.

Nike People: PLAGIARISM! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! MUST SUE! MUST SUE! MUST SUE! THAT LINE—IT'S NOT YOURS!

Archimonde: (Nike? What is this…_Nike_?)

* * *

Steven Spielberg: I told you, I can't let you borrow my equipment, Mr. Big Demon Thing

Archimonde: That's Lord Archimonde to you! I 0wnz j00! Mwahahahah! *hack* *cough* Anyway, if you don't hand over your movie equipment now, or else I'll blow you up! If you _do_ hand it over to me right now, though…I'll…uh…still blow you up! (Being nice is _so_ hard…)

Steven Spielberg: NEEEVVVEEEE-- *explodes*

Archimonde: Pathetic human. *grabs the movie equipment and goes*

* * *

Archimonde: Take one!

Narrator: Years ago, the almighty Burning Legion that totally kick ass…

Assistant: (what was the script-writer thinking when he wrote this…)

Archimonde: (That script writer sucked. He told said that we sucked! Luckily I came in just in time and wrote my _own_ script…)

Script Writer: *bound and gagged in the janitor's closet* Mmmph!

Narrator: The super duper cool Burning Legion came up with an ingenious plan that was the absolute best plan ever created. They corrupted the imbecile orcs to do their awesome bidding…

Assistant: (…what was that sound…?)

Archimonde: (Oh crap, he knows) CUT!

Narrator: Uhh…okay. (I was doing fine!! …Wasn't I?)

Archimonde: *runs into the janitor's closet and puts the writer to sleep* *runs back out* Ahem, yes…take two!

Assistant: (the HELL…)

Narrator: (Okay…) All your base are belong to us.

Archimonde: WTF?! Wrong script! *hands the Narrator another script* Take three!

Narrator: Love is in the air, everywhere I look around…

Archimonde: WHAT THE **HELL** IS THIS?! *looks through the scripts, finds the correct one, and shoves it into the Narrator's hands* Must…resist…urge…to…implode…must…resist…urge…of…exploding…body…parts…

Narrator: …o_o… Many years ago, the almighty Burning Legion that totally kick ass were really pissed at the night elves for defeating them. So then the superior Burning Legion wanted a gory and bloody revenge. The super duper cool Burning Legion came up with an ingenious plan that was the absolute best plan ever created. They corrupted the imbecile orcs to do their awesome bidding. The uber cool Medivh opened the gate between the weak world of Draenor and the even weaker world of Azeroth. Azeroth was a land full of really retarded people, whilst the Burning Legion were infinitely smarter than any being in the world. The corrupted orcs battled against the weakling humans as the glorious Burning Legion looked down upon them. Our story covers a war that was never written down in history because it was too good for it. And it begins now. *dun dun dun*

Janitor: Err…why is there a man here, sleeping?

Assistant: Hey, isn't that guy the scri—

Archimonde: *Finger of Deaths the assistant*

Narrator: O_O; Yeah, isn't that the _real_—

Archimonde: *Finger of Death*

Janitor: O__O; I think I'll be going now…

Archimonde: *Finger of Deaths the Janitor* Must release more pent of rage…must kill more… *Finger of Deaths the scriptwriter* Pent up rage…released…hey, at least I got the _first_ part of the movie done.

* * *

The next day…

Archimonde: Take 1!

Rifleman Captain: Don't shoot 'em till you see the whites of their eyes!

Rifleman: But don't we have an infinite amount of bullets? I mean, the game didn't put a limit on how many bullets we could fire, ya know.

Rifleman Captain: Oh. Okay, just shoot the orcs, then.

Rifleman #2: *whispering to #3* Hey, didn't some guy in the Civil War use that quote…?

Rifleman #3: …Civil War?

Rifleman #2: Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to know that, am I? I come from a whole different world…I forgot…

Rifleman #3: O…kay…

Rifleman Captain: Move out!

Rifleman #2: …isn't he supposed to say something else? Like…[insert rifleman quote here because Deekz is too lazy to check it out herself]?

Rifleman #3: …SHUT UP! 

Grom Hellscream: I WAS DEAD! But now I'm not! I'm cool like that! Yes I am! Cool I am! I am cool! Hear me roar! ROAR!

Rifleman: Dude, you suck.

Grom Hellscream: …well, um…

Archimonde: CUT! That wasn't part of the %$^&ing script, Rifleman! But you're right, Grom does suck at roaring. *sics Mannoroth on him*

Grom Hellscream: EEEE! I DIDN'T KILL YOU, MANNOROTH! IT WAS…UH…THE HOOKER I SCREWED THAT TURNED OUT TO BE YOUR LOVER!

Mannoroth: _Really_? DAMN WENCH! *runs off*

Archimonde: Damnit! There goes the bloodshed! *mumble grumble*

Grom Hellscream: (heh heh heh…he actually _believed_ me…)

Archimonde: Take 2! And start from where you were actually doing fine, damnit! I'm too lazy to watch you guys do it over and over again.

Grom Hellscream: THIS IS MY ROAR! ROAR! IT WILL SCARE YOU _ALL_ AWAY! Mwahahah!

Riflemen: *not scared*

Grom Hellscream; Damnit! Roar! Roar! Rawrrr…

Rifleman Captain: Hey, that was a pretty sexy roar.

Grom Hellscream: Really? Rawrrrr…

Rifleman Captain: I wish my wife would do that.

Grom Hellscream: (I can entice them with my new move…the Sexy Roar!) Rawrr! Rawrrr! Rawwwwwwrrrrrr! Raww—

Mannoroth: Damn you! You lied! *decapitates Grom*

Rifleman Captain: No! I want the SEXY ROAR!

Mannoroth: Shut up, infidel! *tramples the Rifleman's whole army…thus ending the first battle against the orcs…or WAS supposed to be against the orcs*

Archimonde: Cut! That was GREAT! I mean, the Burning Legion totally destroyed the humans! That's the way it should've been at the end of the game! Damnit, why didn't I, with my super fantastic, awe-inspiring, magnificent powers, win the game?! I mean, I blew up Dalaran, didn't I? Why couldn't I do that cool thing where I made a model of Dalaran with sand, and then destroyed the model, thus destroying Dalaran, to the damn Night Elves and Orcs? Why?! Damnit, why?! 

Mannoroth: Here's your Prozac, Archimonde.

Archimonde: Oh, thank you, Mannoroth. *takes the whole thing*

Assistant: (Isn't Prozac for women…?)

A/N: I was watching the credits to Warcraft III, and the movie part with Archimode blowing up the guys was just that amusing to me. If you people like it, I'll keep on going. I'm planning on having a bunch of crossovers in this story, from games like Diablo II, Final Fantasy, and other games and possibly anime. Review if you liked it. ^^


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I am in not way affiliated with Blizzard or Warcraft III. Don't sue me, okay?

**Chapter 2: Vodka. Yum.**

**Warning: Mild FF7 ending spoilers in this one!**

Archimonde: *in a meeting in the Twisted Nether with his dreadlord lackeys* Ya know, it's really fun making the movie. I mean, I get to blow up things! Guts! Blood! Gore! I can use Finger of Death without having to wait for it to recharge! *sips his coffee* I hated that recharge…damnit…I could've blown up freakin' Furion if I didn't use it on Anetheron.

Anetheron: Hey! Your wife was the one who wanted to get laid with me…I didn't want to screw that ugly tub of lard!

Archimonde: WHAT?!?! SHE'S CHEATING ON ME, THAT WHORE! 

Anetheron: …that wasn't the reason you blew me up? Meep…

Archimonde: Whatever. I want to enjoy my coffee now. Mmmm…

Tichondrius: Can I join you?

Archimonde: No coffee for you!

Tichondrius: No, your movie thing! Pleeeeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeeee? *teary eyed*

Archimonde: NO.

Tichondrius: *hangs onto Archimonde's leg* Pretty please, with a cherry on top?

Archimonde: Cherries are yummy…but NO.

Tichondrius: *bawls…and doesn't stop*

Anetheron: Shouldn't we do something about him?

Archimonde: Well, I don't think it would be very smart to blow him up, since—

?????: OoOoOoO, look, FIRE! FIREEEEEEEEEE! *there's the distinct scent of burning hair, a yelp, and the sound of a huge wave crashing down*

????: Damn pyro.

?????: I think that I was a bit too much water, Tifa. ;_; Why summon Leviathan when you can use…uh…that pail of water over there?

Tifa: That's a pail of magma. (Why would they keep magma in pails…??)

?????: Oh. I knew that.

??????????: If I did that damn Supernova spell right, the whole solar system would've been blown to bits, damnit! But then, that would eliminate the purpose of having the comet hit the Planet, wouldn't it? Damn.

?????: You're meaaaaaannnnnn, Sephy. ;_;

??????????: Call me Sephy again, Cloud, and…I'll…uh…Supernova this place, too!

Tifa: And kill us all right now Sephy. Smart. Real smart. We don't even know where we are…

Arthas: And now, you stupid damned spirits, this is the living room of Archimonde where he drinks coffee. And takes his much needed Prozac. But don't tell him his drink is laced with Prozac, I did that. And now, spirits, we come to a skimpily clad woman with very large breasts. How she fights in a miniskirt is an enigma to me.

Tifa: …*SLAP*

Arthas: Rawrr! Frisky, are we?!

Tifa: *Bahamut-ZERO's Arthas*

Arthas: You know, that really hurts. Excuse me while I'm revived at the Altar of Darkness, okay?

Tifa: …

Cloud: Strange man make fun of Tifa's boobs!

Sephiroth: I _really_ like bare midriffs mixed in with a really, really large chest. And then with a miniskirt…DAMN! If only you dressed like that when I burned down Nibelheim…mmmm…

Tifa: *bitchslap + Bahamut-ZERO + Kjata + Knights of the Round + Shiva + Ifrit + Leviathan + Titan + Ramuh + Choco/Mog + Odin + Bahamut + Neo-Bahamut + Alexander + Phoenix + Hades + Typhoon + W-Summon*

Sephiroth: *slapped, hit by a beam by space, iced, lightninged, fired, slashed by 13 knights, engulfed in ice, burnt by fire, crushed under a tsunami, picked up and tossed upside down with a chunk of earth coming down on him at the same time, fried by multiple lightning bolts, ran over by a chocobo, stabbed, hit by a beam, hit by a bigger beam, blasted away a few feet, burnt again by a phoenix, inflicted with all status ailments except for death, flipped upside down and burnt, iced, lightninged, and earthquaked, times two* Dude, that really hurt. ;_; You know, it's really supposed to be Omni Slash me to death automatically at the end, but he doesn't know which end is which on the Ultima Sword.

Cloud: I do! *picks up the Ultima Sword on the wrong side, and ends up having a few fingers sliced off* …erm…

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- *petrified*

Cloud: So where did those summons go?

Tifa: Yuffie stole all the summons, so I beat her up and took them back…

Cloud: Oh. So was that why, when we were fighting that big weird thing that had lots of weird body parts, Yuffie was knocked out and ceased to wake up?

Tifa: Yeah.

Archimonde: DAMNIT, WHO BLEW UP MY **COFFEE ROOM**?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD AND SACRED THIS PLACE IS! I MEAN, IT'S **COFFEE**!

Tifa: It makes your teeth yellow.

Archimonde: Really? Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn!! *checks in the mirror* MY TEETH…THEY'RE…**YELLOW**! *breaks down crying next to Tichondrius*

Tifa: Aww, calm down there, Mr. Demon Thing… *pats Archimonde on the back*

Archimonde: …THAT'S **AWESOME SUPER DUPER ARCHIMONDE TO YOU**!!

Tifa: Um…okay…

Archimonde: PREPARE TO **DIE**!

Sephiroth: Coffee is for wussies! It's all about the VODKA!

Archimonde: Vodka?

Cloud: Didn't you turn to stone just a minute ago, Sephy?

Sephiroth: Don't. Call. Me. Sephy! *trying to refrain from using Supernova and blowing up the whole universe* …ANYWAY…try some vodka. *hands some to Archimonde and his lackeys*

An hour later…

Archimonde: *toast, then drinks a whole bottle of vodka*

_Another hour later…_

Archimonde: *toast, then drinks a whole bottle of vodka

_And another…_

Archimonde: *toast, then drinks again*

_Yet another…_

Archimonde: *toast, then drinks again*

_And then…_

Archimonde: *passed out on the floor*

Anetheron: That stuff is the shiznea… *__*…*passes out next to Archimonde*

Arthas: I'm back! Hahahah! Why, _hello_ there, honey jugs—er, honey buns! What's _your_ sign, eh? *wink*

Tifa: *Bahamut-ZERO*

Arthas: #$%^! Why do I always have bad luck with girls? I'm SEXY, damnit, SEXY! *dies again* I'll be back…!

_An hour later…_

Assistant: Where's the director?

New Script Writer: I don't know, but I'm glad he isn't here. I don't know how to write the script. All he told me was to write down how kickass the Burning Legion is, that's all.

Assistant: Yeah, he's like that. You know why the last script writer didn't last? Because he didn't write down how kickass the Burning Legion was, so Archimonde got mad. He's really mad that he didn't win the game.

New Script Writer: O_o;;;;…o…kay…

Assistant: Yeah. Anyway, actors! We're going to do a scene where…uh…we're in a human town, and they're discussing how to attack the orcs! Yeah…

Archimonde: I'm here, fools. *hurls and walks in*

Assistant: Oh, yeah…hi Mr.—

Archimonde: Super Duper Ultra Cool Archimonde, yes I know.

Assistant: …yeah, here's your new script writer.

Script Writer: Hello, sir.

Archimonde: Sir? *cringes* …

Script Writer: Err, I mean, Mr. Super Duper Ultra Cool Demon Thing.

Archimonde: Much better. Hi, lowly fool.

Assistant: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.

Cloud: Where are we _now_?

Archimonde: ARGH! DAMN THEM! Following me here…

Tichondrius: HIIIIIIIIII, Archimonde! ^_^ These really, really, REALLY nice people here let me follow them! ^_^ They told me that they were catching up with you so they could be in the movie! ^_^ They said I could be in it too! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

Archimonde: Stop with the smiley thingies! You're making me head explode with HAPPINESS…

Tichondrius: *cries* Archimonde no like me! He no like me! WAHHHHHHHH!!!

Archimonde: _You_ want to be in _my_ movie?

Cloud: Why not? I want to be famous & sexy! I want be like…Pamela Anderson! I want big boobs! I want bigger boobs than Tifa!  BOOBS!

Everyone: …o_O;;

Cloud: Is there something wrong with me having big boobs? ;_;

Tifa: Boobs are for girls, Cloud.

Cloud: Oh. I knew that.

Sephiroth: Idiot…

Archimonde: Fine, you guys can be the hookers in the back!

Arthas: *runs in* NEEEEEVEEEEEEERRRR! Tifa shall never be a hooker! Tifa shall be mine, and mine eternally! I love her, oh yes I do! Everyday I look at her picture…and stare in awe at such beauty! Such ethereal beauty!

Tifa: ^%*$^&*$^&%*$!!!!! STOP FUCKING STALKING ME MAN-WHORE! *beats Arthas to death*

Arthas: My love…you are…so beautiful…I am…unworthy!

Tifa: Damn straight!

Arthas: *dies…and goes to be revived again*

Archimonde: Thank you, big-chested woman, for getting rid of that failure. Tichondrius, can you blow up all Altars of Darkness so that guy won't be revived ever again?

Tichondrius: *still crying*

Archimonde: …since when did I make this guy a Divine anyway? He's USELESS! Anyway, you 3! You'll still be hookers in the back!

Cloud, Tifa, and Sephiroth: *grumble and go off into the back*

Archimonde: Action!

Dwarf: Aye! That's one damned good attack plain, Mr. Knight Sir!

Mr. Knight Sir: Damn right it is! You see, all we do is…sneak behind the orc base! Hahaha! I'm so smart!

Rifleman: That's really predictable, you know. They're guarded from all sides. You see the map? *points* Tower there, tower here, tower everywhere.

Mr. Knight Sir: Oh. Damn. I'm still smart though.

Cloud in Drag: Why, hello there, cutie! ^_- *eyeing the Rifleman* How about getting laid?

Rifleman: SURE!

Cloud in Drag: *someone opens the door, a huge gust of wind blows in, and his dress flies up, revealing tighty whities and what lies beneath* *pushes the dress down* Ha ha ha ha ha ha! ^_^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Rifleman: *twitches* How 'bout…not…

Cloud: Why not? ^_-

Rifleman: Just…no…

Cloud: Aww.

Sephiroth in Drag: *PMSy* I'm not a woman, damnit. I'm not a woman. They're just making me do it! LOOK! *pulls his dress down* I WAS FORCED TO WEAR A **THONG**! Can't you see—

Dwarf: Looks lady-enough to me. *drool*

Sephiroth: What? AHHHHHHHH! WHAT…WHAT THE…NOOO! THERE GOES MY HAREM OF FANGIRLS!

Tifa: *snicker*

Dwarf: *grabs Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: AHHH! NOO! OH GOD, NOO! PLEASE! I'M A MAN! T____________T;;;;;;;

Tifa: *grudgingly* Hello.

Mr. Knight Sir: JUGS—er, hello there, my fair dame.

Tifa: …what did you just say?

Mr. Knight Sir: Let's go, milady! *marches out with Tifa*

Tifa: *backstage* *beats the knight* PERV!

Archimonde: Cut! Okay, that was horrible! But, whatever. It's also horrible. Damn Deekz…

_A/N: And there goes the FF7 cast. Not as good as before, I know. I think I've gone humorless for a long while…bleh…anyway, it'll probably take a while to get the next one out because 1) I'm going on vacation, and 2) school starts. _


End file.
